I spent my fourth of july for the first time in five years with family, it wasn’t so bad, probably because it was in Vegas. My father did all the cooking again, which if anyone’s ever eatten his cuisine then you know just how delicious it truly is.

My godmother’s (Cindy) boyfriend’s (Patrick) children and nephew came over too, they’re names: Robbie (cousin), Christian (oldest son), Cole (youngest son). My sister (Karen) and I, along with the “Bruce,” “Christ” and “Coco” went upstairs to watch some movies while the adults did their own thing, then we ate dinner, then we set off our own illegal fireworks. Yay! It was really awesome and entertaining, especially when three tampons malfunctioned and exploded; no one got hurt.

People left, adults played poker, then more people left and it was just the kids. Us five, yes wonderful grammar, decided to play with the camcord and play a few rounds of Asshole, the card drinking game before moving outside to play Truth or Dare. Crazy shit happened, was funny, all had fun.

We didn’t sleep until 6am and woke up around 11am to go eat breakfast / lunch at the Elephant Bar, then we raced off to Redrock park and climbed some mountains before doing some pictures and stuff.

Then we had dinner at some chinese restaurant, a lot of tension and then I got this call.

Catelyn, a friend of mine was in tears as she told me that Bradley (her brother) got into a car accident. I ran outside to take the call and I lost my apetite, apparently the other driver was drunk and hit Bradley’s car; the car rolled two to three times before slamming into a telephone pole. Bradley got really hurt and was in the hospital, that’s what Catelyn told me. She said he looked really bad and the doctors didn’t know if he was going to make it. She ended the call after telling me that she’d tell me more when I came back to NY, but she would keep me posted.

I didn’t eat much after, and I said good bye to everyone. The flight got delayed for 5hrs, it wasn’t a really fun time. Got home around 10-11a and passed out, waking up around 5-6p. Catelyn talks to me again.

Apparently they stablized Bradley and overnight some bone marrow got into his blood stream, headed to the heart and killed him. She told me that she was going to try to get as many people she thought was close to Bradley to come gather later on today, she didn’t know when but said not to sleep anytime early. She hung up.

I cried for a good thirty minutes until I remembered things Bradley said, and I know how pissed he would be if he saw me crying. So I tried my best to suck it up, put things aside, deal with them and bottle them. It’s unhealthy but I know that’s what he’d want us to do, not be sad, embrace it.

The whole entire day I’ve tried to keep myself in a stable mentality as I talk to Catelyn and Kenneth, Bradley’s boyfriend. For one of the first times in a long time…I feel so much spite against the other driver but also against Him, the “Holy One.” I told my mother today, everything has its place and time she says. I wanted to curse her out but didn’t because I know that’s true, but it’s still doesn’t make things brighter or right. It sucks.

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Catelyn called me at 4:07am telling me to go to the playground, my playground. Everyone else would be waiting, and we would all just have our own little thing.

I’m really scared…because I don’t want to end up crying. I also don’t want to see anyone else crying.

//

Catelyn is amazing. She stood there strong, though her voice faltered several times and just gave out a beautiful speech about her brother. She had small candles for everyone and two big white candles for Kenneth and herself. We all lit them and just looked at the post she had set up on her yard.

Kenneth said some words, or tried to. He couldn’t say much, just that he loved him so much and that he hopes Bradley was in a better place. I felt so bad for him, they were going to hit three years this Saturday.

Catelyn asked if anyone wanted to say something, and I did. I told them that I didn’t think Bradley and I were as close as we wanted to be, but that we had certain moments that were closer than ever. I said from what I knew of Bradley, and for the amount of time I did know him, he wouldn’t want any of us crying and being sad. He would tell us to embrace this fact and to accept it, because he hated when people were sad and always wanted everyone he knew to smile.

I gave Kenneth a hug, a long hug. Then I gave Catelyn a hug, one even longer. I told them both I’d be there for them just as I had been there for Bradley.

I miss him a lot. He taught me the meaning of being strong, and kept my feet on the ground when I felt like giving up on being compassionate and caring.

What I Hope Dying Is Like Billy Merrell

When I imagined my life leaving my body,
I could picture a clear and singular soul
taking flight, its shape nearly the shape of me,
but fogged through. I could imagine the ground
steaming as my body was given up, the very air
unendurably still. But if there is such a thing
as a soul inside me, I would rather it not
feel like I’ve left when I have left the world.

Instead, I would like to become connected
to the life of each thing I finally touch.
One energy, not drawn out or transformed
but reaching from my life to the living ground
to the grass or cat or man, flooding the world
like it has been waiting to surge out. If I could feel
that first swell, the sensation leaving my skin
and taking in the senses of the grass and then
that first other animal. The first other person,
living nearest to my unloving body, feeling them too.
If I could still feel as each thing that feels
is braided by touch. That could be heaven,
knowing all along that touch was there,
knowing that death is only failing
to ignore it any longer.

Bradley, Rest in Peace. You are loved and remembered, not forgotten.