I wanted to be like you, I wanted everything. So I tried to be like you and I got swept away.

Looking at the things that have happened from the past year, going through a nostalgic state of mind…I’ve reached a point where I realize some things with the situation that is called present.

I’m not happy.

I’m more confused now than before.

Everything feels like a bottle eroded from the sea, I don’t feel like I know myself anymore and I don’t feel like I am myself anymore. It’s upsetting when I think of it, and I’ve only delayed this realization by hiding from people.

–

Brandon. I love him, I know that hands down, but there are so many obstacles that I don’t know if I can overcome. The fact that we’re going to be separated for almost a year, we’re already away from each but I get to see him soon in August. But even though we’ve already said it, I still have doubts on whether or not we’re strong enough in our relationship to withstand such a long physical separation. I already see how far we’ve become from one another, mainly my fault because I’ve been very difficult to talk to online and on the phone. Everytime I run away, it’s easier to stay at the heart, the heart is you and everything I do. A lot of people tell me that things will be tough, and that for my age, I shouldn’t go through with it. Why not though, and have you all forgotten that I’m already too old for my own body.
I’ve also become lustic lately since Brandon is so far away, it was easy at first to take the thoughts and block them. I’ve been doing so for a while, but now I find myself becoming disgustingly flirtatious when I’m in the city and a guy checks me out. I keep the boundary there, I don’t want to cross it and I hope I don’t. I really do, even if Brandon says I can as long as I tell him…I find it wrong and I think it would leave a bitter taste.
Other than this feeling, there’s the fact that I go to college soon and apparently it’s taboo to enter college while being in a relationship. I understand why. There are no parental limitations anymore, and most cases you’re not in your own house but a dorm or sharing an apartment with friends. At least this is how it is on long island / new york city. Everyone wants to explore this new freedom, and I know that it’s been what I’ve wanted since I was in Fifth grade. I want to live the life of going to clubs / bars / parties and not have to be smuggled in but rather walk through the front entrance. I want to be able to dance with someone and not feel guilty, but I don’t want to leave Brandon and I don’t want him to leave me either. It’s so complicated and I hate it.
I am happy that I’m with Brandon, but like he made me realize. I’m not happy just because I have a boyfriend, I’m just not happy. And that frustrates me most because I’ve believed for the longest time that all I needed was a boyfriend to be happy, and now that I know it’s not, I feel like a part of me has just died.

Tyler. I still have feelings for him and I can understand why Brandon’s not the happiest camper when he hears about him. Whenever I talk to Tyler, I feel…almost as good as I do when I’m with Brandon. There’s so much about Tyler that I’m quite sure I don’t know but want to know. Whether or not he lets me is up to him, but I have such provocative thoughts about him sometimes that my body goes cold and skin goes pale while at the same time, a part of me stays warm, that feeling you get after your first real kiss with someone you like. I don’t want to add to Brandon’s insecurities, but I rather let things be in the open rather than in the dark. But if we’re going to be realistic here, even though Tyler says he thinks of me, I don’t think things would ever happen, though I want to see Tyler so badly because we’ve known each other for quite a while and it’s sad that we haven’t shared a hug or expressed our feelings physically.
Yea I think he’s lying a lot when he says so, but a part of me doesn’t, the part of me that believes all man can do better. A part that’s been cut many times and grows small. If we could meet, and if we do- god…I don’t know how I’d react. Whether or not I would cry from joy or just be shocked that it’s actually happening. Would we end up kissing one another, even if it’s on the cheek…and would things feel awkward or just like normal when we talk online? Could we end up sleeping with one another? All of them are possible, but I don’t know if it’ll happen.
It’s funny. Sometimes I just get a random conversation stuck in my mind and burst out in laughter, other times, when I’m really happy and with a group of people. I think about that one time we fought, and how much I felt like an asshole and even worse, damaged something that I thought was beautiful. I don’t think we’ve gotten to that level, and if it’s even possible. When I think about that, and I analyze it…it sometimes makes me very upset. I admire him so much as a designer, I want to hold him until he sleeps and let him know that he’s safe because of all that he’s been through and there are times when I’m unsure if I want to be just a friend to him.

Amber. Because I’ve been hiding, because I’ve become indifferent with a majority of the past, because I got upset that I wasn’t first, but most of all, because I’ve been the fucking worst friend anyone could have. I’ve lost the one girl that I love with every ounce of my heart. I wasn’t able to keep my promise, our promise. I wasn’t able to make sure that my goal in 10, now 8, years come true. I wasn’t able to follow the responsibilites of a friend. I wasn’t able to know when she was in pain or even listen to her. I wasn’t able to be a pillar for her to lean on. I wasn’t able to go shopping with her. I wasn’t able to meet her new friends and crushes and loves. I wasn’t able to make more memories with her.
Thinking of all this makes me cry a lot because I think that this time, it can’t be put back together. It was the last straw before humpty dumpty fell, and now all the pieces are too small and displaced to put back together. What’s worse is I haven’t even tried. What her and I are in now, is just a thing of denial. We both have come to terms with it, but won’t admit it. That’s my take on it and I’m sorry for all of this. I feel so guilty and so wrong.

–

Realizing all of this, I look at myself and look with disdain. I’m not a good friend ‘nor boyfriend. I can no longer give advice because I lack the ability to do so. I can’t listen because I get so indifferent that I just get bored and do something else. If I try to say something helpful, it doesn’t sound helpful and rather repulsive.

I don’t want to die.

I’m not suicidal.

I just don’t feel like a good person and no one can really tell me that I am because actiosn speak louder than words and perhaps I was a good person, but I’m not now.