When I think about the past few months, though I’m not sure if it’s considered a few if it’s more than half the year…I wonder what I’ve been doing with my life and whether or not I’ve made any advances towards what I really want. I absolutely just hate people that want a plethora of things but don’t do a single thing to work for them. I’m guilty. Any of the problems that I might have right now, I want someone or something to come and solve all of them or take them all away. I kind of feel like I did a few months back (now it’s actually a few…) where I wanted to actually just run away to some place unknown and start completely new.

I don’t want that now. That’s the truth, leaving New York wouldn’t make me happy at all (I know why I thought it might have made me happy before…) and you would only see me writing about it a month afterwards, bitching and moaning even more. I WANT to stay in New York and make it work, but I have to actually do work now. I’m coming to the end of my life where my parents and school lay out the path in front of me. I don’t like it, but at the same time it’s what I’ve wanted for the longest time even though everyone told me that it isn’t. I should enjoy my childhood and have fun. I didn’t, I fought against the system to get to here and now I don’t want it. That’s no good, not good at all.

Right now, what I want more than ever is to get accepted into Parsons. There’s a few things off-key though, like the fact that I haven’t applied yet. Or the fact that there’s no portfolio ready to submit. Two MAJOR processes that I need to complete within the next month. From what I’m told, it is not as hard as people say it is to get accepted into Parsons. Just, c’mon people, you know me. I’m a very harsh person when it comes to myself. I have no doubts whatsoever when I look at my grades and say I can get into a college, but an arts school? That’s different.

Parsons, the website at least, says that they try to balance the portfolio requirement with the academic history. But you never know if that’s for sure…and what if I’m that one boy that has great grades but someone has just as good grades and a great portfolio? Then I’m doomed! Though, as a joke most of my artsy friends like to reveal their GPA’s and how they got into art schools that said the same. It’s funny, but there’s a difference between them and I. I have no portfolio. I need twelve to fifteen for Parsons and ten to twelve for most other schools, so I’m aiming for twelve. I have possibly three pieces that I’m semi-proud of and could say, “Yes, this is presentable.”

Oh what to do to die today?

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I wish I had an airport some day…’cause some days are just so hard.

This is my first dedication on this blog, and when I tried to think of someone that this should be to, I can only think of one person. My mother. I am not the greatest son, I am far from it and I have not made attempts to be a better son. I am too involved in my own life, I am too self-centered to consider that the world doesn’t revolve around me (I’ll have you know that it does, I jest).

When I said that I couldn’t make it over for thanksgiving, that was a lie. I didn’t have any work, I just didn’t want to venture over there. I think my mom knows that too, but she doesn’t falter from it. I recently just listened to my voicemail (I had 12 voicemails, what the hell?) and when I got to my mother’s, it was probably one of the sweetest things I’ve heard since the all-american rejects concert.

She’s the sweetest thing, and I will see her within the next month. Any of the other plans that I have planned, sorry? Though I’m almost sure that their going to cancel themselves anyway.

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I have to spruce this website up a few notches, and I’m going to do so with a new layout that HAS to be viewable in iE and FireFox. I want to have it done before my winter concert on the twenty-first. So here’s hoping -crosses fingers-

On top of that, I’m going to aim for 2 ten to twenty photo shots (one with manipulation and one without) and a few things scanned in. I need to get my ass in gear and stop being the lazy pompous fucker sitting on his ass playing final fantasy xii all day. -shakes head-