Lately, every night, I’ve grabbed a tub of ice cream (Haagen-Dazs to Ben & Jerry) and been munching out to a good movie. I recently had a conversation with my mother and -sighs- we’ve come to realized that I’m more than likely going through a depression. Huzzah. I really don’t show it, but I don’t know. I can’t say I disagree with her because every time I go to watch a movie with a tub of ice cream I have this overwhelming feeling of bleh and then I eat the ice cream and with every cold chunk of dairy that goes into my mouth, it numbs the roof of my mouth and ultimately all that crappy feeling.

This sounds somewhat hypocritically but I want a boy, but I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to be tied down and restricted, I just want a boy to go to and sleep with. And by that I don’t just mean sex, I think having sex every night would just get boring. I want to just go to sleep with a boy holding me.I want someone to talk to as well, which I have two of: Tyler and Barry, more so towards Barry.

My mom jokes with me and tells me I’m depressed because I haven’t gotten any ass, which is also true. Which I’m not use to and I’m finding it rather troublesome. I mean, I have some guys that are hollering but they’re not that…hot. They’re above decent but they’re not like the nice guys that are everything I ask for in a fling, and I would love in a relationship but since most are just so hot they don’t care for one, and I’m at the point where I don’t either so it works perfectly.

Then there’s Brandon, who I’ve known for a little over two years and I’ve had an attraction to his photography. I was suppose to connect with him this week, and I thought it was cute that he thought he needed to tell me, a seventeen year old that he “wasn’t interested in a relationship.” How cute. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I’m busy, but not that busy. I could’ve done it, but then something just made me stop. I’m not quite sure what, but I just got cold feet and that kind of irked me.

No. It’s not because of Mr. Japan. My mother thought so but I’m completely sure it’s not. Ashley thinks it’s because I’m afraid to be called a whore, which is true…I guess, but why is that irritating me now? That doesn’t make so much sense…though I get so offended when someone calls me a whore and isn’t joking around. -shakes fist-

Fuck.

*

I saw Presque Rien last night and where I’m not quite sure what happened in the end, I like the movie. I really like the main theme song for it, it’s so…wonderful. Depressing but wonderful. I also didn’t realize that Jeremie Elkaim was the main character, Matthieu (I love how you say this in french, it sounds so….fucking sexy) and well…he’s basically pushed Jeremy Sumpter out of the picture, fucking christ this boy is gorgeous. Though I really liked him as the minor character Benjamin in A Cause D’un Garcon. He’s happier then but this movie he played a really…awesome guy but living with his bitchy sisters and his depressed mother.

The movie itself was split into three parts, the time he goes to visit his mother and has a relationship with Cedric, the time he’s in the hospital, and the present time. I’m not quite sure what happened between the time with his relationship and the hospital and then the ending of the present, like…why does he go to Pierre? I’ll re-watch the movie later, try to pay attention and such but I’m not sure.