I am completely and utterly enthralled by him and yet I know that us is probably something quite near impossible, but as most infatuations, I much like you, can not help but relieve a sigh of defeat and despair upon realizing this. I, much like you, can not help but dream and keep myself entertained by the endless possibilities of what it would be like to get more than friendly with him. To not just poke his side or ruffle his hair but to be able to sensually massage his shoulders and kiss him.

I can not help but be fascinated and feel special when he speaks to me, or when he texts me. It’s incredible how one feels from it, but then there’s always the other side of the sword when he shares his attention to something else that isn’t you. That jealousy. Oh what a venom that piece of shit word is, and how filthy I feel when it intoxicates me but I am not going to bitch about that word.

I am under this spell and I want to be liberated from his spell because I think he is amazing, but I am so confused with my feelings and it doesn’t help that I think I’m hormonal at the moment too. Everything that he has done and everything that he is has me in awe and I am left speechless when I talk to him because I am not sure whether or not it’d increase my chances or not. But at the same time I have to ask myself, what the fuck am I thinking? I barely know him on a personal basis but I can already tell that I adore what I see and what I know.

Mentally, it is everything that I could ask for (so far) in terms of intelligence. Personality, it is everything that I could ask for (so far) in terms of charisma, humor and experience. But the last item, the one thing that it takes for me to even both with a human being and possibly makes me vain (but lord knows now that I don’t care much about that), is physically.

Physically, he’s quite possibly the first guy that I find attractive (that I’m being honest and not lying about) that’s not Irish, Scottish, English, French, German, Polish, Czech, and you can pretty much get the type of boy that I fancy. Technically he’s considered white but common ignorance wouldn’t consider him so, and blah, why don’t I just get out with it and say the name?

Alex. The first friend in Princeton that I have which has transformed my opinion of Princeton. And has me shaking my head with vexation and trouble. Why am I a sucker for boys?

*

I got upset earlier in the week, listening to my mellow songs and then, like the average idiot that enjoys inflicting pain onto himself, I went through what little pictures I have my my past (that are stored on my laptop). I couldn’t help but get more depressed than I already was, and I couldn’t help but start to cry.

I cried looking at the pictures of my time with Amber, the one time in August when she came to see me and we took pictures and made videos…We played with her bras, we made fat ugly people faces, we made sexual-esque shots, I even made a porno-tease of her…and I couldn’t help but start to cry. Even at the ugly pictures of myself, I found so important and remembered why I wouldn’t delete them. There’s this one shot of us plumping our lips like a kiss, and she had on lip gloss and I had on chapstick and it looked like we both had smacker lips. I was laughing, but tearing too.

I cried looking at the pictures of the last fourth of july I had with friends. The fireworks of the night, the games, the walking, the talking. I remembered it all, and I rememebred how much pain I felt because I was hoping to kiss Brando that night too but that never happened, we instead, had a very close time with one another and a lot of things were said. I felt that pain again and coiled into a ball, just crying and crying. Amber, did I ever tell you how pretty you looked those days?

I realized that I want more pictures and I want a more glamorous and social life. I want to go to college and be able to do what I want in the city a lot more than I do. I am happier there by myself, sitting in union square looking up at the sky than I am on the shores of Bayville. Why is that though?

I plan to make a montage of the photos I have…I don’t know when but it is a plan.

*

Barrias, I don’t know what to say to your proposal because recent events have made me scared and I don’t want to be confined, I still want to explore the world. So I don’t know what I can possibly say that will satisfy you and keep you from going insane or depressed.

I think we share a very special bond, one that’s surpassed others but I can’t say that I’m certain on things.

It’s human nature to fantasize about the future because it brings a sense of comfort and joy to our hearts, but when the future comes to hit us, fantasies are replaced by reality.

*

I’m so fucking pissed with the work I’ve been given to do over the break. A stupid take-home test in chemistry, a fucking 150 pages and an outline to do in history, reading a friggin’ play than outlining it than getting to write an essay on two plays, then rewriting a spanish composition.

On top of that, I have to fucking make sure I go to my internship for WISE which I wanted to drop which should’ve been dropped but fucking christ I hate stupid bitches teachers and ARGH!

I FEEL SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

I’ve finished the play and I need to finish outlining the last act, I’ve completed the majority of the test and I have 120 pages of history to fucking go and that stupid essay. FUCK.