I left Princeton with a smile, looking back at the past week I was really happy with how things went. I originally thought that I was going to have a very boring spring break, but between my family and Alex and his friends, it was rather entertaining. I’ve had more fun there than I’ve had in New York for the last few months. It’s funny. It’s sad too.

Happy belated Easter, I hope it was more enjoyable than mine was. I don’t feel like discussing it, just because it’s just not needed anymore.

The only part I do want to consider, is the end of my time in princeton. Sitting in my mother’s blue minivan with her, just talking for an hour and half as we waited for the next train. I realized how much our relationship with one another has grown, and how we never really changed. I was happy talking with her, just the two of us. I saw how much love she had for me, and how much love I had for her…and I think of the times that I’ve cursed at her and I’ve shouted at her, and the times that she’s yelled at me and said things to hurt me, and I just want to wash it all away because something like that shouldn’t have been. We were passionate at that time and we are still passionate, but I think we’re better now. Not really sure how, but I just know that we’re better now.

The wisdom my mother has given me, I can not thank her enough for it. It’s not the first time I’ve heard her say this, but it’s the first time I actually listened and took it to heart. Before, as she was telling me this I would’ve said that I’m not like that…that I’m different. Or that I already know that when I really didn’t have a clue. Oh…how did she explain it. She’s afraid that I might have a disorder, we both forgot the name or didn’t know of the name, where a person is stuck in their own fantasy and tries to live their life accordingly. I thought about it, and I responded with “No…I definitely know that I’m not living my fantasy.” I told her that I definitely imagine what I want people to say and do, which leads to me being disappointed frequently, and I do imagine what I wish I would say or do…but then that fear inside me stops it. And after telling her this, I told her that I don’t have that disorder but rather “I’m someone that wants. I don’t want anything, but I want what I can’t have and I’ve come to realize this…and I don’t want to be like that because it makes me so depressed.”

She nodded in confirmation and told me she already knew that part. Then I told her about how I look back in time, specifically towards the time I had with Brando and how it took me two years to get over him and not want him anymore. I told her how scared I was because it became an obsession…and then I told her about Tyler. About how he came into the city last month and how I became so angry that he didn’t bother to tell me or call me up to see me. I told her that when I found out that he had a new boyfriend I was so upset and angry with him. I explained to her how I wanted to know everything, just everything possible and how that just freaked me out because it was so obsessive. I told her that I’ve been trying hard to not care, to not want to know, to not even have the want for him. That’s it’s hard not to because he represents almost everything that fascinates me with another human being, and not just a human being but a boy. She said, “I know” and then explained how she went through the same thing.

I told her the awkward situation at the Xth Ave Lounge, the bar where the owner gave me drinks and then decided to feel me up and I couldn’t find it in myself to reject him. I had no attraction to him at all, he wasn’t cute or young and he had bad breath but I felt obligated to let him because of the drinks. I told her how disgusted I felt but because it wasn’t the first time…I didn’t get sick to the point of puking or being scared. It came as something natural. Then she asked if I let people screw me if they let me stay over and I said yes, and then she shook her head and hugged me. She explained to me that I needed to learn to say No, that I needed to not depend on others and that I needed to not send out the wrong signals.  She told me how she never accepted a drink from a guy she didn’t like, and that she never had sex with a guy just for the hell of it. I admire that about her. I wish I was like that.

I know myself that I can have sex out of a relationship and not be bothered that that person might be having sex with someone else the next day. That kind of sickens me when I think of myself like that, because then maybe the title of a whore that I’ve been trying to escape and get rid of can’t be ridden of. Not if I think like that.

I told her my situation with Barrias, and how he had once called himself my yo-yo / lapdog and she frowned at me. She told me that I was leading that boy on and of course I defended myself but she told me to be quiet and just listen. She explained how she’s overheard me while talking to him and how I’m all cutesy talksy with him and how I’m a horrible person because I still want to see other people. Looking on it, she isn’t wrong…the only difference is that Barrias knows I want to see other people.  I told her that I think Barrias is amazing and that if we were to ever wed, it’d be like her and my step-dad. Which is good and bad. She laughed at that and said she hoped that he’s even better because I’m a bigger brat than she is.

I love that woman with all my heart. My mother.

*

Now to why the title is what it is. I wrote, on my nice little thin but endless notepad, resolutions for the new year that should’ve been done a while ago but hey, so what? I’m late.

I, Kristopher Louie, want to be…

• Someone that does not want what they can not have, especially when it comes to boys.
• A more honest person, not just with others but with myself.
• Less spiteful of a person. “Neither malice or spite have form in me.”
• More of an individual, not following the path that others create for me.
• A person that shows more effort in his work.
• In better shape, mentally and physically.
• Less awkward when meeting people.
• A more understanding person.
• Able to have heartfelt discussions with my friends.
• Someone that doesn’t get attached to what they imagine because I get disappointed.
• Not over dramatize  something if it goes against what I expected.
• Able to say NO to someone.
• Able to  spend more time with people who don’t need  drugs/alcohol to have a good time.
• Someone that doesn’t let special people slip through his fingers.
• Someone that isn’t easily discouraged.

I think I’m going to have a difficult time with some of them. I mean, only yesterday did I get reconnected with Matthias and…wow, it’s going to be difficult to not want to kiss him or anything. We will see how things go.

*

I absolutely adore Dan, he’s so great. We talked about music for a bit and he shared with me Neko Case and Mountain Goats Totally, both in whom I really fancied because they’re just awesome artists. Neko Case, her voice is so pretty and some of her songs are just WOW. And then MGT is just something else…I totally like the guitar playing, the voice and the lyrics. The lyrics are depressing, some anyway, but the background music is uplifting or energetic. I love that juxtaposition.

And I already miss Alex, haha.