It would seem that I’ve put myself into a depression. Not being able to do half the things that kept me content has left a mark on me. I’ve been able to admit faults and truths that I never wanted to reveal, which I suppose is a benefit of my decisions of late, but now I feel like curling into a ball. I’ve been thinking lately, far more than normal. There’s been so many thoughts and the majority of them aren’t finished, and it’s frustrating to think about one subject and then suddenly your mind goes onto another one. I have been ranty lately, and I’ve been eager to find someone…a neutral party, one that I barely know and will probably never fall in love with. Someone that does not know a lot of me and someone that will not judge me and someone that will give me their honest opinion.

There might be a few, but for right now what I have here, this blog of mine. This will do me fine. I sometimes forget the purpose of a blog because it doesn’t speak back to me, but then again, it’s purpose is to carry my thoughts and nothing more.

You know Matthias has come back. I met him in my sophomore year, that was when I was still struggling to get over Brando. It was around halloween too, because I was dressed as gay soldier. We met in a starbucks coffee, drank cider and hot chocolate for an hour before we walked the boardwalk of Long Beach. Then we went underneath the boardwalk to sit and watch the waves, just talking to one another. I was so young then, and I remember that the only thing I wanted was to get fucked. My first experience wasn’t the greatest, and so I believed that someone older, with more experience could give me that time. But we never did have sex. Instead, I gave him a back rub…I can remember the raging hard-on I had because he was just that hot. It was really late then, and he had to go home, so we walked back to his car. After that day, we spent time once or twice every now and then. I was amazed by him. But then we suddenly just stopped speaking, so imagine my surprise when he responded to a text message I sent to a cellphone I thought he cancelled. I thought he had changed from back then, because he didn’t want a relationship and even though I said I didn’t, I did want one. He still doesn’t want a relationship, and even if he did, I’m far too young for someone of 25. So I made a decision then too, that we’d probably never meet because no good would come from it. He would think that we were meeting to have sex, when all I wanted was a walk in the city or to hear him play the piano.

I’m sure I’ve made Barrias upset. Telling him that we could no longer have conversations on the phone every night. That’s been a joy of his ever since he met me and I think I’ve made him quite angry and depressed. I shouldn’t say think when I actually know. We got into a tif last night, and I just got furious with him. Just…overly angry with him. But what am I to do? I won’t place myself into a position that could leave me extremely damaged. Doesn’t it just make sense to wait and see if someone who claims that they’ll never fall out in love or never will deem someone better than you, to see if they do or not? I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong. My mother certainly thinks it’s one of the most secure choices I’ve made lately. And I know she has nothing against Barrias, she thinks he’s a great person because of the happiness he has brought me, so I know she’s not deceiving me.

Do you ever lay in your bed, looking at your ceiling with a blank mind before suddenly, you feel your heart throbbing and aching with pain? So much that it trickles up your arms and all over your body that it makes you want to cry? I talked to Tyler today, or more towards Tyler talked to me today…and I didn’t cry. Not while we were talking, and I didn’t get resentful. I just wanted to hit myself. We cleared up a lot of things, mostly ones that fell on my part. And then he told me something that made me feel like a horrible person.

i didnt tell you specifically when id be in ny because you hardly talked to me anymore anyway. you were never around. you were in other states. i liked the idea of moving to ny and being friends with you or whatever else happened then its like… you like 12309481209348 boys at once and im always lost when it comes to you and what the hell boys youre going after or into or with at any given moment

you didnt. its just yeah. i wanted/would have stayed close to you or had a relationship with you or lots of things, but it always seemed like you were into 5 guys at once and it wasnt ever really me, so. lol. i jsut lost interest

Reading that…makes me wish I had listened more the last two years. The last two years in which I was too stubborn and blind to see all these things. All these things that people will not admit to my face unless they truly cared about me. People like my mother, amber, lilibet, brenda, foster pops, ric schnupp, bradley (god rest your soul), ashley, rachi, angela, and I didn’t see it then but looking back I see it now, tyler himself. Have I ever, at one time, been truly devoted to any of my boyfriends or anyone that I thought I loved? Maybe my first two because I did not involve myself into being so networked and known amongst people. But looking back, I never gave anyone my full attention. I had always snooped on xy and other sites, I had always talked to random boys in the city.

God, I wish I hadn’t made those mistakes but it’s been done. If I had listened, would tyler be coming to NY to be with me and not andy? Would I be in a healthy relationship? Who knows? Is it relevant? Probably not, but what can I do? I can learn from this, that’s really what I should do. But what exactly am I going to have to learn? Even now, I’m in a mix of boys that I can’t seem to understand. I can’t place them into the friend or lover category because it’s more complicated than that and there’s that part of me fighting this revolution I want. It’s the side that tells you those things that you want to hear, that makes you see anything that the person does or says to be like gold. It’s an evil and twisted side and I wish it would die!

You were right when you said I was an introvert.

I’m trying hard to follow the very first resolution. To be somebody that does not want what they can not have. But if I don’t want, then will I ever be social? I have to want to be social and I have to want to want someone in order to have a relationship, right? I just have to prevent myself from going insane from it. The kinda’ insane that I’m in right now.

I don’t hate life, I love it. I don’t ever want to disappear…

Someone asked me today, “Have you ever had a “the one that got away”?” And I didn’t know what he meant, so he explained it and I immediately answered yes. We talked on that and it felt good, but it felt very sad.

I find myself to be a very sad person now. Even at my best friend’s girlfriend’s sweet sixteen, I wasn’t enjoying myself at all only because I did not have much to do. The kids there are of a different crowd, even Christina and Jonny who are both social, didn’t really feel comfortable. I had a nice time though, I just wished that I could’ve talked with someone more or danced with someone more. Just have a better time.

And then I think of prom which is coming up, and I realize that’s how it’s going to be. I’m not going to have anyone to bring to my prom and it’s going to suck and realizing this I don’t want to go anymore. I’ve told everyone they HAVE to go and now I don’ twant to. I don’t want to go to this dance and not have fun. But I’m already in a limo, but fucking christ. It’s so irritating to have everyone speak of it and then ask you what you’re doing and then say, I don’t know…Who are you going to bring? I don’t know…Who are you going with? I don’t know…What are you doing after? I don’t know…

I’ll probably post this on facebook…that’ll be interesting.

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One of my favorite songs as of late, and I’m sharing it with you: DOWNLOAD HERE
“Out of This” by Autamata

Out of This
I will confront you at last you dreaded empty
When I met you in others I fell in love
From the cradle, to the bottle, to the needle to the bed
We all need something to deliver us from dream

But I believe in truth

Out of this noise, here comes the stilness
Out of this chaos, here comes the order
Out of this language, out of this language
Out of these words

And a hollow man leaves you empty-handed
With fingers carved from Asian ivory
From the cradle, to the treadmill, to the rocker, to the last sigh
Some are made happy when something dies

Out of this

Shitsujo, seijaku, shinjitsu

Out of patience, out of deed
Out of courage, out of me
Out of reason, out of truth
Out of conscience, out of you

Konran kara shitsujo ga umare
Soon kara seijaku ga umareru
Shinjitsu wa ai o umu

Out of this…