I don’t know why I feel incredibly sad right now. It’s 2:52 a.m. and I’ve just finished playing a game and running through facebook and the remnants of myspace, I’ve been listening to rather upbeat music and I’ve had a rather content few days. There’s been some hardships but nothing that I would consider devastating or even that hard to overcome…so why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel like I’m going to cry before I go to bed?

( I think I’d be an interesting human study- if for a second someone could truly see the working of my mind and all of its chaos, I think that’d give a scientist an overload of ‘content’ to analyze and compute. )

I started my internship at Zimmerman/Edelson, Inc. It’s interesting to say the least, when I visited the website I thought the place would be a rundown shady creepy office run by two old men, but the office has roughly twenty or so people. All of which I am fascinated by because they are so kind, normal, and relaxed. I’ve been placed into the art department, which is wonderful. There are four people that I’ll be working closely with, some more than others.

• Debra, the Editor-in-Chief
• Mike, the main graphic designer (and my mentor for this internship)
• Patrick, the main copy writer
• Steve, the other graphic designer

They’re really nice and started me off with simple tasks, and I’m kind of proud that it was my first time using QUARK let alone a mac and I managed to work efficiently, and correctly! That probably goes to my knowledge in inDesign and the basics of yearbook. The office does a lot of graphic design work, solely on print. If you saw their website, you can see they’re so not web-oriented. Which makes me want to redesign the website, though at the same time I don’t think I want to do it  as an intern but rather an actual designer they’d hire.

I suppose now is better than never for news, but over the past weekend I’ve decided (after talking with several friends and one of the more important figures in my life, my mother) that giving a second chance to a relationship isn’t entirely a bad idea and that it could, with as much effort as the first time, work out. So yes, I’m no longer single and in fact I’m seeing someone, to be exact, Brandon.

This decision causes me a lot of agony but it’s also probably a healthy and positive and uplifting decision. The only negative I can think of are the two other boys that I hold dear to myself: Barrias and Tyler. There’s a saying that the good ones wait, but not for long. I, as a person, want to stay friends with all three of them because I couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to talk to any of them when I wanted to.

I swear I’m repeating the mistake of Catherine Linton. Please, Emily Bronte, save my soul.

I’m so relieved to hear that my mother’s biopsy today went alright, not like it shouldn’t, just relieved that one part of this entire mess is done with. She’s really sore she says, and she’s mad because she can’t do her duties as a housewife. It was cute, and I’ll be coming over this weekend to help her out with some things. I can’t wait to see her, my step-father, my siblings and my little puppy. It’ll be a chance in scenery and I’ll probably be internet-less but I’ll survive, somehow.

I always have, and I always will.

It’s scary, knowing that as a person you will probably fail at being a ‘true’ good person. I can barely keep my eyes off other boys when I’m with my boyfriend, let alone when I’m NOT with him. I find certain parts of another boy that I find myself so attracted to…the color of their eyes or how they’re shaped, the body tone, the skin tone, the hair, the smile, hell I’m finding that I’m really turned on by guys with scruff. It’s one thing to look, and I know that this is somewhat forgiveable but then there’s the next step, thinking.

I find myself sometimes thinking of other boys, in ways that I shouldn’t, and I get turned on incredibly so because I think of the fact that I’m doing something ‘wrong’. Then I think back on my boyfriend and I get sick, somewhat ill, but in order to protect myself I play it off like nothing and make a game out of this. A game that I know I can win because he won’t fight back and he won’t do what I do to him to me. At least most don’t.

( Is this the sign of not having all sexual desires met? )

I feel guilty for that. In my heart I know I want to sneak around, and in my heart I know that’s wrong. WHY do I feel the need to though? I know if I went to a psychiatrist, one of them would say that it’s my subconscious wanting to get even with the original scar on my life: being cheated on. But why is that so? I’m in such an angst right now. And perhaps that’s why I’m so sad right now.

I love many a man but only one loves me.