Some new things…

• Jonathan started to tutor me in French
• I finally received my paycheck from Zimmerman/Edelson
• October 2nd is NEXT week / THIS tuesday
  • Will finally be able to open his own bank account
  • I want a $900 Pea Coat from D&G
  • I want the new iPod Touch
  • I want a digital SLR, thinking of the Canon Powershot G9 or one from Sony
  • Go shopping for a new sidepack
• Find this random boy I met in the street (which makes me a horrible person)

I smoked three cigarettes today because it was a horrible day. From forgetting things and having to go back to my dorm, climbing nine flights of stairs only to find out its been blocked for construction, having to prevent myself from exploding in presentations, wasting money to go to the Metropolitan Museum when I didn’t really want to go but had to for a class that didn’t happen, to coming back and being late for my next class, getting more work and not being able to afford any of the supplies needed for next set of class.

I’ve been having a wonderful time…I really really have. I’ve become increasingly more attached, in a not-so-creepy way, to the friends I’ve made. And there hasn’t been anything tragic, just some rough patches…so why do I feel so depressed?

I just celebrated a friend’s birthday, I was able to spend time with a friend I haven’t seen in ages, I’ve been receiving positive feedback on my projects from my teachers, I’m not nearly as stressed out as others. And yet I can not formulate why I’ve been feeling the need to cry lately.

I’m going to be turning 18 soon. I’m really excited about it…but at the same time I’m terrified. The last few years my birthday hasn’t been what I expected, and in more times than not…it’s been forgotten. Perhaps that’s because I didn’t make a big deal about it…but at the same time, I always thought that those that broadcasted it wanted attention. I don’t want to come off as that. But the honest truth is I do. I really do. I’ve tried really hard to push that out of my head because I’m being paranoid and getting upset over something so trivial.

I’m also constantly wondering whether I’m coming off the wrong way on these new friends of mine. Ross and I have a joke with Jonathan that he’s a homo when he’s really straight, and we both tease on him but I wonder if we’re or, more importantly, if I’m taking it too far. Then I also don’t want everyone to think I’m superficial or a flake. So I’ve been trying my best to come off as myself, and be as nice as possible.

I said something really mean the other day to Brandon. It came off as quite possibly the harshest thing I’ve said to him to date. I told him, after becoming overly vexed (not just with him, but everything), that “I [dealt] with [him] for the same reason I deal with Barrias or Tyler.” (Awkward silence). “And what is that?” (Pause). “…I adore all three of you.” (Awkward silence, end topic). The words came out so fast that by time I said it, I had already knew that I basically punched him below the belt. Who says that…to their boyfriend?

Although we discussed the realm of an open relationship, it would be me that initiates it and the terms would still have to be worked out. I haven’t felt the immediate need to bring it to that level, and I can come up with a few reasons as to why I can’t: ( a ) I love Brandon, ( b ) there hasn’t been any boys that I could see myself dating or having some form of relationship with, ( c ) I’m just not THAT horny, ( d ) I don’t want to go back to fooling around, ( e ) I’m scared I won’t be able to go back to a normal relationship. All those reasons are plausible. But then I wonder when I say to myself, “that boy is really cute” or “he’s really nice” if I’m just fooling myself when I say there isn’t anyone I truly want here.

In the end it comes down to my complex, the Kristopher Komplex. The fact that I have more than one boy on my mind, the fact that it’s never just ONE person but rather TWO or THREE, sometimes FIFTEEN. I know it’s stupid but at the same time I want to fall into that folly for some reason.  I just don’t know…