I’m not surprised to say that I’ve been feeling low these last few weeks, granted I’ve been cheerful and happy on some days. There’s that overall sense of dread. Since it relates to what I want to write about today, and since I promised Tyler that I would, I’ll release some excerpts of my hard-copy journal.
I hate myself for so many reasons. I feel like I can’t accomplish anything that I want without first relying on someone or something, and for someone that believes they can be independent this poses a problem.
This is the first wordpress theme that I’ve created without using a template or another theme. This is the first time I haven’t tweaked someone else’s work. I feel so happy doing so, but it took such a long time. It was the first time that I critically used my knowledge of coding. It really showed me how much more I have to learn, and hone in on my coding abilities. I want to become somewhat of a developer as well, isn’t that something?
I feel like I’m a fuck-up in life, and not just sometimes but all the time. I don’t feel like I have my own voice or opinion, but rather just a slightly tweaked to fit my own needs personality.
I despise the fact that I am contradictory. I say I’m not spiteful, and that I don’t believe in it, but I do spiteful things and simply don’t acknowledge them as spiteful deeds. I say that I love someone, even like someone, but I have this belief that if I “genuinely loved” or “liked” someone I would be able to wish for their happiness, but instead I find myself in a position of hoping that whatever is developing between the one I like and the one he likes to just fall apart. I have wanted them to fall apart since day one because there is some belief instilled in me that believes that when that happens, I would be the one chosen next but that hasn’t been the case…in a while.
When I was dating Brandon, and he wasn’t around, I would pretend to myself that I wasn’t dating Brandon but instead I was dating him, and that I was waiting for him to return home. So when Brandon came home instead of him, I would get angry and frustrated, and that would then be vented on Brandon.
“I wonder why on TV or in magazines, love seems fun and colored with happiness…but why is my love so sad and despicable? There are times when wishing for my happiness is on the opposite side of the coin to wishing for another’s misery, but then what should I be wishing for?“
My mother doesn’t give me hope, but she tells me that I made a mistake. My foster father gives me hope, but believes that I’ve made too many mistakes. My friends and advisers don’t give me hope, and they tell me that I have and still am making a mistake. I believe I’ve made mistakes, I believe that there’s hope, but I also believe that I’ve made too many mistakes with too many people too many times.
There are times when I question what am I doing with a person. Am I using that person in an attempt to get another to chase after me? And if I am, haven’t I realized by now that not only am I pushing away the person I like but the person I’m with.
Today I sat by myself for five hours, enjoying the autumn breeze. I was probably trespassing but no one bothered to care for the empty rooftop of one of the currently being renovated buildings in new york city. It was nice to just watch the sun slowly set on the horizon while listening to my ipod touch. This is what I would call ’soul searching’ and I can see why I was prescribed it. It was such a nice feeling, but it was also very depressing and confusing. More and more questions about myself and my motivations kept arising, and I couldn’t answer more than half of them.
Looking back on that, that probably wasn’t a very bright idea. What if the building collapsed in some freak coincidence? I also smoked too many cigarettes that day too. I remember going back home that night and I just crawled into my bed and passed out. I still feel like I have some soul searching to do.
I want so much right now, but I am scared. What if I get what I wanted? Could I appreciate them the way I wanted or imagined I would appreciate them?
On the Bright Side
I have started to compose my Christmas List, and maybe I’ll get some things.
To whomever wants to be the best person in the world
- AAR autograph’d guitar (click) [$500+]
For the Video Gamer Persona
- Playstation Portable [$150 - $200]
- Final Fantasy Tactics: The War of the Lions [$40]
- Wii Console [$250] (So I can play Mario Party
For the Designer Persona
- WACOM Tablet 6″+ x 4″+ [$150 - $500+]
- External Hardrive 120+ GB [$150 - $300+]
- Flashdrive 1+ GB [$20 -$100]
- Digital Prints from Hejz, Ekud or Aeiko [$??]
For the Gay Persona
- Shirts/Hats from Club Monaco, Uniqlo or Ben Sherman (XS)
- Jeans/Pants from Club Monaco, Uniqlo, Ben Sherman, Diesel, Lounge (Waist 28-29)
- Accessories: Sun glasses, Necklaces, Bracelets, Rings, Scarves
- Complete QAF Boxset (for Ross & I)
For the “Innocent” Persona
- Christmas cards (preferably made by yourself) with a tiny portrait of the giver
- Self-made gifts (put some thought in it =x)
4 responses so far ↓
1 Tyler Dec 7, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Firstly….
You’re the same way I was when it came to the blog designs, it’s hard to say “okay, I want a blog, lets design a completely original theme too!” right off the bat.
You had to tweak original designs, not because you were lazy or because you weren’t creative enough, but because you had to learn how to do it. The best way for me to learn is to take something thats already done, and reverse engineer it, and make it my own.
Don’t forget that tweaking an original design to fit your needs and personality is creative and original too. As long as you can infuse your own personality and thoughts and ideas into it.
By the way, this simple white clean design going on here has really grown on me.
Secondly…
” I say that I love someone, even like someone, but I have this belief that if I “genuinely loved” or “liked” someone I would be able to wish for their happiness, but instead I find myself in a position of hoping that whatever is developing between the one I like and the one he likes to just fall apart. I have wanted them to fall apart since day one because there is some belief instilled in me that believes that when that happens, I would be the one chosen next but that hasn’t been the case…in a while.
When I was dating Brandon, and he wasn’t around, I would pretend to myself that I wasn’t dating Brandon but instead I was dating him, and that I was waiting for him to return home. So when Brandon came home instead of him, I would get angry and frustrated, and that would then be vented on Brandon.”
Who are you referring to, that Chris kid? Me? I can never remember all the other boys names, haha. So, one of them?
Either way, your love is a “sad, despicable” thing because you don’t want to be with the people you’ve “loved” and been with. You just convince yourself that you do, or that it’s the right thing to do, or that you don’t want or need to hurt their feelings.
Well, that’s how it works. It’s part of the game. There are countless people that love you, that want to be with you, that see a lot of good in you. You can’t have the same feelings for all of them, and in return, all the people you feel that way about, can’t always feel that way about you. The hard part is finding someone that feels exactly the same about you as you feel about them. Cliche, whatever.
You just need to make decisions faster on boys. You need to identify them, decide if you like them or not. Decide if any of the boys you like you would be honestly happy with in a relationship, and when you do that, you need to pursue them, and get an answer on the matter. If they aren’t interested in you, or blow you off, or make you feel bad or anything negative, then they aren’t for you.
Once you start dating a boy, if you feel like it isn’t going to go anywhere, you need to tell them that, and either resolve the matter, or end the relationship. Yeah it sucks, but it works out better long term when you don’t drag it on and let the relationship become cold hearted.
You’ll get there kiddo. Everyone makes mistakes, but unless that mistake kills someone, it’s ALWAYS fixable. Those mistakes you’ve made, and the mistakes you will inevitably make in the future will shape who you are, help you make better decisions, and guide you to a better life.
Love you gaysian<3
Tyler.
2 anonymous Dec 7, 2007 at 11:09 pm
there were certainly a lot of mistakes.
3 Tyler Wright Dec 13, 2007 at 8:33 am
Everyone makes a lot of mistakes, assclown.
4 Heather Dec 13, 2007 at 1:25 pm
I think everyone is feeling this way lately it seems. I come home just wanting something/anything good to happen and it always seems when nothing can get worse it does. I hope you start feeling better!
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