I am this state of mind that I have not felt in a while. It not is just simply being depressed and sad, nor is it just being full of angst. The last three to four days, I’ve had my emotions on a rollercoaster, with severe highs and lows.

I feel…

depressed, mellow, tired, bitter, jealous, spiteful, vicious, eager, irritated, confused, hurt, damaged, frustrated, upset

There are so many feelings and thoughts going through my head that it’s been wearing me down incredibly so these past few days. It’s not only stress that I’m having from finals, but it’s also personal drama that I wish I could get rid of without suffering the consequences. I have so many things I want to say, but I have a question as to whether they should be stated or not.

I had a dream

There’s a slight lie in that statement. I had several dreams, in one night. I went to bed in a bitter angry mood, which didn’t help me at all. My room mate’s snoring did not help me either.

One. Imagine a modern apartment with a beautiful view of a city, which city I’m unsure, I want to say New York City, but it was too bright and clean. It didn’t feel like New York City. There was a white sofa, it was soft and well-cushioned. I want to say it was suede because it was so smooth and soft. Tyler was sitting on the sofa, in a blue striped sweater that went up to his neck. His hair was natural, no high-lites or anything and it was cut moderately short. I was wearing a black sweater, it was a turtle-neck and normally it would’ve bothered me but the room was just at the right temperature to not cause me to overheat. I was lying my head on Tyler’s lap, and we were talking about something, I can’t really remember. I wish I could. I’m curious. I don’t believe it’s a prediction, it’s just a sub-conscious fantasy of an ideal future / world.

I woke up to my room mate snoring, and I started to cry. It had only been a little over an hour, and Explosions in the Sky were still playing, the song “What do you go home to?”. I laid in my bed for several minutes before I went to my laptop, and then I messaged Tyler and told him about the dream. He didn’t respond, I didn’t expect him to, it was 3AM my time, 12AM his time. I read an article before trying to go back to sleep.

Two. I envisioned waking up today. It was an important day, because I had to present my 3D final and have it critiqued. I was walking, holding my project hoping it wouldn’t rain or blow too hard to break it. I was listening to Azure Ray, and it was a good morning. I went to cross the street, and the sudden sound of brakes squealing and the sound of a taxi cab’s horn going off scared the shit out of me as I felt myself get knocked out of my body, only so I could watch my body flail in the air before crashing to the ground. But I never crashed to the ground.

The loud sound was my room mate’s snoring, again. I woke up, and went back to the laptop and read through some blogs I haven’t checked up on. I tried going to sleep again, it was 4:34AM.

Three. I was at my mother’s house, it was spring…or maybe summer? I just remember it being hot. I think this was a memory playing, because I was lying with my dog Alex, and only him, Ollie wasn’t there. So it must’ve been. It was relaxing, and it was calming. I can’t remember anything else other than lying down on the brick patio with Alex lying on my chest, licking my face and whimpering from the sun.

I want to devote myself to only him

No one else, only him. Only him because he is the very essence of what I could ask for. Only him because he is the first boy I met that was in my field of interests of art. Only him because he is the one thing that I probably won’t have. And so I adore him (loathing-ly).

There’s a lot more I want to say here. I’ve rewritten what I wanted to say four times now, and it’s never what I want it to be like. The first one sounded too pathetic, the second too harsh, the third too refined, the forth too lost. I have a headache now, and my whole body is going numb and there’s that stinging sensation that starts at the heart and flows throughout.

I’ve done my biggest sin, I’ve over-analyzed and over-thought and can’t get out. Not at the moment. So I’m trying my best to not actively think about it, but I am thinking about it, constantly. And it sucks. I hate it. I don’t hate him, I hate it.

I want to see him so bad, and I’m hoping I will…in a week’s time? I’m in class right now, and I can’t focus at all. The loud speaking of my professor as he critiques and instructs and teaches has faded, and the sound of typing and me breathing is the only thing I can hear.

Me

Text Art 001 (while at Parsons) - Me

I was inspired by my 2D final. We had to research one of the design elements we learned and write how the element was used in a medium of our choice. I picked digital art, specifically typography.